I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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