you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
