I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
