Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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