Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
