So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
