I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
