dude i'm inner monologue high
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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