I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
