I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
