You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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