She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
