i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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