I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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