it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
