last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize