I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
