i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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