Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
