so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
jump out the window naked night went bad
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