i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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