we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
