I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
