I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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