I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize