I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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