She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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