Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
