I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
