All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
