I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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