Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
