just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
