I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
