how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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