It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
