Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
