you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize