My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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