I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
