My liver just broke up with me...
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
