Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
