I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
