Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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