Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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