i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
