I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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