i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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