Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
