Got a toothbrush?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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