Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
