Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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