3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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