JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
