He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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