Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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