i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize