I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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