im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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