Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Randomize
